I’m pretty upset with myself right now because I am literally scared of my future, as I await the figurative other shoe toppling to the ground. I’m upset with myself because I know better.
My head knows every single thing about worry and fear that there is to know.
That it doesn’t add even an hour to my life.
That it isn’t this proactive barrier that will make the potential bad news easier to bear.
That it takes my mind off the present.
That it’s basically saying I don’t believe that there is a loving God guiding my life.
I know, I know, I know. I know all of these things. And, for the most part, these truths do make their way to my heart and reside there.
But just not this week. Because this week I had one of those perfect storms of circumstances sweep through that have left me a little off balance and trying to hang on for dear life. Nothing huge, mind you, but enough things thrown together that I’m a bit breathless, just waiting to see what happens next.
I told my Good Husband (aka God) in my journal this morning about all the things I was afraid of. I ended with, “I’m scared your will for me will be yucky and the opposite of what I want.”
I know, real mature.
So I went on to ask him to remind me of his goodness and to help me want his will even if it’s hard and no longer resembles the life that I have and want.
There is a reason, I’m sure, that Jesus says “do not be afraid” like a zillion times. It’s because, in part, that he knows our tendency to jump to fear as our default reaction. But I think it’s also because he knows something that we keep failing to truly integrate into our lives. That his Father, who is also my Father, really loves me. That our Father is not out to get us. That he’s not coming up with wild schemes to mess with our heads and leave us feeling untended. That anything that comes our way – and I really mean anything – has been lovingly sifted through his hand before it enters our lives.
We have a good God. He loves us and cares for our every life’s detail. His will may sometimes be difficult but he wants us to trust in his love and to lay down our fear, because it’s in those moments, when we can truly experience that love.
My head knows every single thing about worry and fear that there is to know.
That it doesn’t add even an hour to my life.
That it isn’t this proactive barrier that will make the potential bad news easier to bear.
That it takes my mind off the present.
That it’s basically saying I don’t believe that there is a loving God guiding my life.
I know, I know, I know. I know all of these things. And, for the most part, these truths do make their way to my heart and reside there.
But just not this week. Because this week I had one of those perfect storms of circumstances sweep through that have left me a little off balance and trying to hang on for dear life. Nothing huge, mind you, but enough things thrown together that I’m a bit breathless, just waiting to see what happens next.
I told my Good Husband (aka God) in my journal this morning about all the things I was afraid of. I ended with, “I’m scared your will for me will be yucky and the opposite of what I want.”
I know, real mature.
So I went on to ask him to remind me of his goodness and to help me want his will even if it’s hard and no longer resembles the life that I have and want.
There is a reason, I’m sure, that Jesus says “do not be afraid” like a zillion times. It’s because, in part, that he knows our tendency to jump to fear as our default reaction. But I think it’s also because he knows something that we keep failing to truly integrate into our lives. That his Father, who is also my Father, really loves me. That our Father is not out to get us. That he’s not coming up with wild schemes to mess with our heads and leave us feeling untended. That anything that comes our way – and I really mean anything – has been lovingly sifted through his hand before it enters our lives.
We have a good God. He loves us and cares for our every life’s detail. His will may sometimes be difficult but he wants us to trust in his love and to lay down our fear, because it’s in those moments, when we can truly experience that love.
3 comments:
We seem to be living parallel lives. May have to write this one on my arm with a sharpie!
Me here again (the one from the failed 31 year marriage).
I know how you feel, kind of scary the future. Over here it is summer. Everyone faces the New Year full of hope and excitement. I don't know what to feel.
I had a chance ten years ago to leave and start a new life, I would have been around your age I guess. I didn't, I spent ten years in a dysfunctional marriage.
The up side is I have two grandchildren, one of which we raised but now my daughter is back after being diagnosed and medicated for bi-polar and she and I are doing it together. The future...does God have anything for me...am I too old...will I ever meet anyone to grow old with...where are you God?
Enjoy those extra ten years!
I loVE what Paige said.....your words are exactly how I feel and have been feeling...and I just told another, God is really good.....thanks for sharing your heart.
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